..when the mind ceases to think..

...some organized incoherence.

Monday, December 08, 2008

Dear you,

You're missed.

I'm not quite sure why exactly because we've talked maybe thrice this year, and that too for a few hours while I was at work pretending to look busy impatiently waiting for the minimized IM window to tell me you've responded.

The weird thing is I know exactly what you would say. You're so predictable that way. It always begins with 5 characters, 1 constant, 1 vowel, 3 dots - 'hi...'. I can pin you down to the very letter as they are mostly cliched remarks - even if you actually mean them. So why is it that you're needed? Okay, wanted, but to the point that I can justify you as a necessity if it needs be.

I'm barely more than spiritual and for the most part, it is easy for me to do what I want because it feels right. I naively believe that when my conscience speaks it's basically god telling me what's right, except with his words the voice is now yours. It's as if you and god have conspired and taken the liberty to watch over me by patronizing me through you. You know, sometimes I go ahead and err anyways just to irk you.

I'd have liked a warning ahead of time before you abruptly stopped becoming a part of my life and if I didn't know better I'd feel jaded and jilted. Unfortunately, I do know better and hence, am not allowed to feel any of this. Hell, I'll just settle for some date in the future of when I might get to talk to you. After all, all I have is the chat history that I reread every now and then and some phantom boxes of memories that I'm running out of room for.

Why do you have to work this way? Can't you find something to do that's a little more regular in nature and *still* make up for the moral contentment you seem to get now? Yeah, I feel proud to know you and be acquainted with you because of this, but still!

Anyways, Christmas is coming up and I am going to make a wishlist this year. I've been pretty good for the most part; at least well enough to earn one wish. I wish you didn't live so far, at least closer than an ocean and a continent. I wish I could talk to you at will. While I'm at it, I wish I could steal you...in a way that leaves everything untouched - the sand beneath your feet, the cool wind caressing your face, that shameless bird on the tree that can't take its eyes off you...and still manage to displace you so entirely that all I'd have to do is think of you and have you smiling the very next instant wherever you are.

Maybe I'll just wish to have one more chance to talk to you soon, especially since I don't know when it would be. I swear, I'll do my best to slow time then, not that you'd care...I mean, any form of reciprocation from you is too much to ask, but I'll take my shot regardless.

In all honesty, it's simply enough to know you exist. It keeps my faith. It's been a blessing to have met you and asking for anything more is probably reserved for god's favourites. Besides, all I need to do is close my eyes and think of, well, anything and I'll hear your voice. I guess I just seek validation that you are safe and well. You probably are; I pray, nonetheless.

Anyhow, being a realist, I'm going to patiently wait till I can find an excuse to write you off while wishing you well all the same. By the way, did I mention you're missed?

Yours indefinitely,